Distance

After reading an entry in a Lenten Journal about distance, I thought about how God has felt so near and distant in my life. More specifically, during my husband's illness and passing. All during my husband's illness, I felt that God was close by. He was there to see me through the rough times, the times when I didn't think I could continue to be a caregiver the way he needed me to be. I needed to feel that closeness for my husband. I needed the courage to take care of him without him knowing my insecurities. 

After his passing, God seemed distant. I keep thinking about how, for roughly three months following my husband's passing, He didn't seem close. And I didn't understand it. He had been there for almost 3 years, why did He leave me when my husband did? I continued with my prayer life and with Daily Mass. I continued to do all of the things I was doing to get through the rough times when he was still alive. I knew God was there, but why couldn't I feel Him?

While meditating on the entry, it occurred to me that, during the illness and the preparation for my husband to return home, He was there. Now, after my husband's passing, it's up to me to fill the gap. Not just by going through the motions of my prayer life, but actually being there for Him. Not just "reading", but actually "praying". Actually getting to know God and having a real relationship with Him. Meeting Him halfway and not making Him do all of the work. 

This is so completely different than when my parents passed away. I felt so close to God during that time. I didn't have to work at it, He was just there. Why is it different with my husband's passing? Could it be because the relationship is different? It was my parents instead of my spouse... a totally different relationship. My parents spent so much time in church; their lives were centered around our Parish. After my mother passed away, it took me about a year to make it through Mass without crying or tearing up.  Two days after my husband passed away I attended Daily Mass...I felt like I needed to be there. It was a comfort to me; I was home and surrounded by the other usual attendees, people I knew prayed for us and continue to pray for us. But I didn't feel that God was near.

Again, I knew He was there but felt like He was distant. Now, on the fourth month anniversary of his passing, I'm bridging the gap. I'm putting in the work to become closer to God. I'm closing the gap and meeting Him halfway. I know He will meet me where I am, no matter where I am. I am choosing a relationship with Him. I'm choosing to have joy in my life. I know my husband is with Him, rejoicing, singing "Hosanna", and praying for me to join him. And I feel like the distance between God and me is closing.

Being Obedient & Giving It All To God

Free Stock photos by Vecteezy

I've always been a pretty obedient person. My siblings may disagree, but for as long as I can remember, I've tried to do the right thing. I'm definitely a rule-follower, mostly because of the fear of getting in trouble and having to pay the consequences! 

Father Burke Masters identified 2 things that are required in order to be obedient: 

1. Listen to God through prayer and Scripture

2. Ask for strength to follow His will. 

His follow-up questions to Samuel 15:16-23 really made me think about my obedience to God's will and if I'm even aware of it as I go throughout my day. I give the first part of my day to Him in prayer and Scripture...then what? Then I'm off to the races, concerned about what I have to do during the day, not paying very much attention to His will and His plan for me. 

Asking for the Grace to Accept His Will

When my husband was first diagnosed, I immediately prayed for the grace to accept His will and His plan for us. I have no idea where that came from; it wasn't a conscious thought, for sure. Some time through the year that prayer dropped. It's still in my head, but it isn't a daily prayer anymore and I haven't asked someone to pray for that for me in a while. I think I've fallen into the old routine; he's doing well and we haven't received bad news in months. I know I should pray for that grace every day, in all things I do. I'm ashamed to admit that it isn't one of my daily prayers.

What about "In-Between" Time?

Am I aware of God's will/plan throughout my day? I realize I'm blindly walking throughout my day without much thought to what HE wants me to be doing or thinking. Like I said, I give the first part of my day to Him and I pray intentions as I'm walking the dog. I also have attempted to use BAKER as my daily examen at night, but sometimes I'm just so tired that it doesn't get done. Yet, that's when I need it the most. 

What about the in-between? What about when I'm doing the mundane chores that have to be done every day? How can I give those to God? 

• I am definitely not the most patient person in the world. My job as a school-based Speech-Language Pathologist requires patience. As retirement closes in, I find I'm becoming less patient with my little ones and that's not fair to them. One thing I can do is silently (because it's public school) say a prayer asking God to give me patience before the session begins. 
• When I get home and there are dishes in the sink, instead of grumbling, I can thank God that my husband is here and is able to eat. 
• When the recycling bag is full and needs to go into the bin, I can give God thanks for this earth where He has allowed us to live. 
• While cooking supper, I can express gratitude that we have enough food to eat. 
• Usually, after we eat, I'm the one cleaning up. Every now and then 1 of my sons (who is living with us right now) will help by clearing the table and loading the dishwasher. Cleaning the cooking utensils is usually done by me. This is the time when I can give thanks that our bellies are full, as well as giving thanks that we have running hot and cold water.
• While driving, I can pray for the person in front of me/beside me/behind me. 
• In the grocery store, if there's a line, I can say an Our Father or Hail Mary for the people waiting in line with me.

In addition, Fr. Mark-Mary (Franciscan Friars of the Renewal) suggests a mid-day examen. He calls it the 3x5 examen. You can see him explain it in this YouTube clip:

I think I can take 5 minutes from my lunch time to review the first part of the day. What about you? Do you have any other suggestions for remembering God's will/plan during your day?

Getting Back on Track With My Prayer Routine

Ah, summer. I always do so well with being on a schedule...until we go on vacation. Then it goes by the wayside. I always have good intentions of sticking to my routine but then...vacation. And I get lazy. Getting back on track with my prayer routine is a struggle. Anyone else?

Getting Off-Track

My pre-vacation morning routine looked like this: Wake up at 5:30, out the door with the dogs by 5:45 (before the squirrels are awake!), come home, eat breakfast, feed the dogs, take a shower, pray and reflect, daily mass. All of that before 9:00 a.m.! Surprisingly, I haven't been crashing in the afternoon. Well, most afternoons anyway.
Then we went on vacation. The next week I attended a conference. I did pretty well with my prayer routine on vacation...I at least prayed The Divine Office and my daily prayers. The Daily Mass Readings and journaling went by the wayside, but at least I had my talk with God. The next week at the conference, I prayed The Divine Office in the mornings while my roommate was in the shower. So that's something, right?

Except that I feel a distance to God that wasn't there 2 weeks ago. To keep a good relationship with anyone you have to communicate. It would only make sense that to regain a relationship the communication has to be there. I don't doubt that God was certainly trying to communicate with me while I was gone. It takes 2 to communicate and I'll be the first to admit that I didn't give it my best shot. I may have panicked just a bit when I returned home from the conference, realizing that I have 1 full week of summer left before I go back to work. (I know, I know! That's early for teachers to go back! Our students start July 31st!) Y'all, I really need  God to be on my side when I start the new school year!

3 Answers

The answers are quite simple:
1)Discipline yourself to start over. You had discipline in the first place, right? You know you can do it, so just do it!
2) Forgive yourself. It is what it is and there's no sense in beating yourself up about it. Our God is a merciful (and forgiving) God. If He forgives you, why not forgive yourself?
3) Slide back into it if you need to. I was so tired when I first returned home from my conference that I needed to slide back into my routine. It took me a few days but I did it.

Personally, I'm the kind of person who thrives on routine and schedules. Even so, it is kind of nice to get away from that every now and then. Getting totally out of the routine can make the return a little more difficult, but who said life is easy? So it seems that I'm getting back on track with my prayer routine just in time to have to tweak it a bit for the school year. 

In this post, I discussed why I need a daily routine and what happens when I get off track. There's even a quote included from a book that I read from every now and then that really drives things home.

Need more inspiration?

• Take a peek into Brandon Vogt's prayer life in this post.
• This article tells you why Daily Prayer is important and explains the how.
• What, how, why, and where is discussed in this post.

{SQT} Fall Break Edition

SERIOUSLY? Fall Break 2016 is all but over. Why is it that breaks go by so quickly?

All in all, it's been a pretty productive week: I got my materials ready for work next week & finalized progress reports. I stopped procrastinating and had a cleaning lady do walk-throughs for my house and my dad's house. I called the exterminator and scheduled quarterly treatments. I had a meeting with Sister so I can start preparing for my talk for RCIA in 3 weeks. I put up a few fall decorations outside. I even met with some friends for lunch a couple of days.

Just so you don't think I worked the whole week, I did catch up on some new shows on Hulu. I haven't watched tv very much the last few months, but there were some new ones that I wanted to check out and see if they were worth watching. They were. 

Speaking of RCIA: I thought I was presenting on Beliefs and Traditions. Turns out it's Beliefs and Practices. I found this clip on what it means to be a Practicing Catholic:

What I didn't do during Fall Break was go to Daily Mass. I decided to not turn on my alarm this week and to just get up when I decided it was time to get up, or when the dogs thought it was time for me to get up. Needless to say, I didn't make it. 

I kicked off Fall Break spending the weekend with 3 of my sisters & 2 of my sisters-in-law. Every year, we have Sisters' Weekend. We rent a cabin in the mountains and talk, eat, drink, talk, and laugh. We had an amazing cabin this year: it had a game room (that we didn't think we'd use but ended up playing and having a good time!) and a projector tv. We love to watch football, so it was the perfect place for us to watch our favorite college team win in the last 4 seconds of the ballgame!  

Fall Break is over. That can only mean 1 thing: 9 weeks until Christmas Break!

I'm linking up with Kelly at This Ain't the Lyceum  for Seven Quick Takes.

{SQT} Oops...First Post Since Last Friday!

Oops. I guess I never got around to posting this week. I think I should get a pass since it was my first week back at work. Yep, summer vacation is over. The students start on Monday and they have a day off on Thursday for Elections, but the teachers have to be at work. No kids = almost a day off.

I'm working hard at getting back into my routine, including saying the Rosary on my way to school. Not having a set time to be at work this week (the time wasn't the same every day) threw me off a bit, but I'm getting back into the routine.

I have a calendar in the front of my journal notebook; each day I'll write a word or short phrase from the daily readings that grab my attention. It may be a word or short phrase that summarizes them. The past couple of weeks 2 words seem to be recurring: Hope and Perseverance.  The first readings from Jeremiah just seem to be screaming that our country should hold onto hope. The words are real today just as they were in Jeremiah's time. We have to persevere with our prayers for our country...and for the world.

World Youth Day. I know someone who is there; I can't wait to hear all about it! Pray for safe travels for all who will be on their way home shortly. 

I swallowed my pride yesterday and invited a coworker to CCW. We've gone through some tough times in the past 10 years that I've known her. I felt a tug to invite her, and we had a meeting together yesterday, so I bit the bullet. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be.

Take a look at what's on UCatholic's website. Wonder if they're reading my blog? 

As I left church one night last week, I snapped a picture with my phone. I wasn't sure if the colors would show up in the picture as they really looked, but they did.

I'm joining Kelly at This Ain't the Lyceum for the link-up.

Make it a Routine...not a Rote Thing

In my last post, I mentioned that I had fallen off the prayer wagon during vacation. I maybe read the daily reading once and made some quick notes. I don't think I said my daily prayers at all. I could tell, toward the end of the trip, old feelings coming back. The feelings of jealousy, and righteousness. It's so easy to stay in the routine when you're able to stay in your little bubble, but life is meant to live. Unless you're called to religious life, it's impossible to stay there in your safe little bubble.

I jumped back into my routine today; I gave myself a few days to try to slide into it by going to daily mass. I relied on my dogs to wake me up in time; they're fantastic alarm clocks, but they require a routine as well. When that routine is messed up, they're not so reliable. I barely made it in time for the Rosary before Mass on Monday & Tuesday; Wednesday the dogs decided to sleep in a bit so I rolled in just after the opening prayer. My dad sits in the 2nd pew, so everybody knew I was late. One lady asked me if I got caught in traffic, but I had to 'fess up and tell her that I lived in the other direction from church and just overslept. 

Today's reading (Jer 2:1-3,7-8, 12-13)seemed to really reach out and grab me. When I'm "feeling" it, it's like I'm in a honeymoon; I can't get enough of  God and His word. This I hit "dry periods". It's hard to get back in the swing of things like daily prayer & reading/reflecting. 

I picked up A Catholic Woman's Book of Days (Amy Welborn) this morning after I said morning prayers and read the readings. It was a total fluke; I've only picked up the book once since I bought it at the end of May. I turned to today, and was astonished at what it said. The topic was having rituals/routines, and applying that to your prayer life. In the last paragraph Mrs. Welborn says,

...For me at least, setting my prayer times and settling into ancient ritual keeps me on the right course, even when my feelings tempt me to skip prayer for today. More important, the tried and tested habits of old give me a safe place from which to enter into the mystery.

Whoa! That's exactly the way I feel. Isn't it amazing when God gives you just what you need to hear, whether it's to help you out or for affirmation? 

Make prayer a routine , not a rote thing!