Distance

After reading an entry in a Lenten Journal about distance, I thought about how God has felt so near and distant in my life. More specifically, during my husband's illness and passing. All during my husband's illness, I felt that God was close by. He was there to see me through the rough times, the times when I didn't think I could continue to be a caregiver the way he needed me to be. I needed to feel that closeness for my husband. I needed the courage to take care of him without him knowing my insecurities. 

After his passing, God seemed distant. I keep thinking about how, for roughly three months following my husband's passing, He didn't seem close. And I didn't understand it. He had been there for almost 3 years, why did He leave me when my husband did? I continued with my prayer life and with Daily Mass. I continued to do all of the things I was doing to get through the rough times when he was still alive. I knew God was there, but why couldn't I feel Him?

While meditating on the entry, it occurred to me that, during the illness and the preparation for my husband to return home, He was there. Now, after my husband's passing, it's up to me to fill the gap. Not just by going through the motions of my prayer life, but actually being there for Him. Not just "reading", but actually "praying". Actually getting to know God and having a real relationship with Him. Meeting Him halfway and not making Him do all of the work. 

This is so completely different than when my parents passed away. I felt so close to God during that time. I didn't have to work at it, He was just there. Why is it different with my husband's passing? Could it be because the relationship is different? It was my parents instead of my spouse... a totally different relationship. My parents spent so much time in church; their lives were centered around our Parish. After my mother passed away, it took me about a year to make it through Mass without crying or tearing up.  Two days after my husband passed away I attended Daily Mass...I felt like I needed to be there. It was a comfort to me; I was home and surrounded by the other usual attendees, people I knew prayed for us and continue to pray for us. But I didn't feel that God was near.

Again, I knew He was there but felt like He was distant. Now, on the fourth month anniversary of his passing, I'm bridging the gap. I'm putting in the work to become closer to God. I'm closing the gap and meeting Him halfway. I know He will meet me where I am, no matter where I am. I am choosing a relationship with Him. I'm choosing to have joy in my life. I know my husband is with Him, rejoicing, singing "Hosanna", and praying for me to join him. And I feel like the distance between God and me is closing.